Heartland Adds Another Fee, Cuz Heartland

There’s just so much goodness to dissect in this latest gem, kinda hard to focus where to start.

We’re quivering with anticipation!

Let’s examine that first paragraph.

“We need a strong financial outlook and are making the the right investments in the right places.”

You done pissing yourself from laughter?

Here’s Global Payments’ (who owns Heartland) balance sheet.

See how they have a measely $2B in cash and short term investments? And see how the growth is only a despicable up-and-to-the-right trend?

Yea, that means they’re really, really hurting.

Then the poor babies gotta make sure they’re making the right investments.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to run a wheel of fees?

Do you?!

It’s impossibly hard.

So hard.

The hardest.

Just when we were biting our nails and worried for Heartland’s financial future Vince eases our concerns with… another fee.

Phew!

We were super worried Heartland might create something of value for a second.

And fortunately it’s a really easy fee to justify.

With increasing supply chain costs as well as increased reporting and administrative costs, we will be adjusting this annual reporting and filing fee

Super Human Vince Lombardo

You know all those supply chain costs that come with developing software? And all those administrative costs that come with declining software costs?

Well, if you don’t understand how their costs are increasing you’re just dumb.

So they’re increasing their fees, mmkay?

We love how Vince wraps up his missive with the soft and soothing caress that only a nurturing mother could deliver.

Pricing actions of any kind are never the easiest to lead through. Be assured that we are handling this increase with the care, focus and quality that our merchants expect and DESERVE.

Saint Vince Lombardo

ORLY?

Your merchants sure as shit expect this behavior, but they deserve it?

Have you gone mental?

Why are merchants required to be abused by your quarterly goals?

Tell us: what value did you add to justify that 50% fee increase?

And what the hell is an annual reporting and filing fee anyway? Someone got bored in 2019 so you’re just keeping the tradition alive?

This whole market is a joke but the payments companies always seem to be laughing at the expense of their customers. But don’t worry, because those customers deserve it.