It is a rare situation where ReformingRetail needs to retract an article, but we would like to formally apologize for our last Heartland piece.
How could we common folk, who are just trying to help the industry avoid ridiculous fees and maybe, just maybe, earn a profit, have the intelligence to realize that we were not correctly calling out another instance of a processor making up ridiculous fees?
No: what we thought we saw as yet another blatant example of a multi-billion dollar, parasitic company trying to cripple a small business by making as much margin as the owner – an owner whom exhibited the gumption to try and live the the American Dream – was in actuality a story that Hollywood will surely be purchasing and bringing to a big screen near you.
That story is a story of justice.
A story of perseverance through all matters of strife.
A story of, dare we say, vigilance!
Ladies and gentlemen, we present to you:
Heartland: The Rank Shit Rises
What we now know from the most recent Heartland statement notification (below) is that Heartland has reached the breaking point of the unscrupulous and nefarious activities its merchants are participating in.
Enough, goddamnit!
Heartland will now satisfactorily punish any would-be evil doer and increase the scope of their patriarchal justice to a paltry “1.0% of revenues” on any piece of shit willing to to process non-EMV transactions.
What’s that?
Heartland originally gave you that processing equipment?
Doubt it, scumbag.
Huh, you don’t see material chargebacks because your MCC isn’t a high ticket, high risk industry and you’re happy to pay for the infinitesimal number of chargebacks that do occur?
You lying sack of shit.
Or maybe you think that it’s-been-a-two-year-global-pandemic-staring-stagflation-in-the-face-and-a-planet-wide-chip-shortage-which-makes-finding-terminals-impossible-unless-you-want-to-pay-a-5x-premium will fly?
Fuck you, scammer!
We commend the good folks at Global Payments for ensuring that their world class culture continues to live and thrive in all of their acquisitions.
For everyone else: bend over and give Jeff Sloan 1% of your revenue.
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